Finding Freedom
This week’s wisdom is a Christmas story. My own, in fact. It’s filled with ups and downs and twists and turns, but I’ll think you’ll agree it is interesting. It is also proof of the divine at work in our lives each moment of every day when we believe and trust in the power of all things greater than us. So here goes.
My daughter died 7 years ago. I have struggled with Christmas since then. Each year has proved difficult in some way and as the years go on, I inch forward trying to figure out how to observe or not, the Christmas season. Nothing has worked to my satisfaction so far and this year has proven to be no different. When I see the first of the lights go up my heart sinks. I remember the joy Christmas used to bring me and how the loss of even more family members has made the season still hard to face.
This year I wavered between going away and staying home over Christmas; celebrating with gifts or not, cooking and baking or buying the goodies, and on and on. All I did know was that I could not face bringing the ornaments out of their boxes and decorating a tree one more time, artificial or real. This new feeling of not wanting things as before was challenging my entire concept of now letting go entirely of what little Christmas holiday tradition has remained. If I gave this up, what would be left?
I know that change is often a long time in coming and I’ve struggled with letting go of Christmas for as many years as reasons. Finally, I decided it would be best to stay home. Maybe I didn’t want to give up Christmas after all. The short trip we had booked we rescheduled for after Christmas. I found a lovely artificial pre-lit snow-laden tree on sale that I envisioned would grace our home with one simple click of a switch. We wouldn’t exchange gifts, just enjoy each other’s company. My husband agreed, so off we set to buy the snowy tree the next day, me feeling excited at the prospect of actually putting some Christmas spirit back in my heart.
Sadly, the day we first eyed the tree we hadn’t checked the sale end date. Turned out it was the day we were to purchase it. Unwilling to pay the much higher price, I stormed out of the store (yep, I still can get mad) and warned my husband it was likely going to be a rough day. I guess I wanted that tree more than I thought. All the painful feelings of previous Christmases came rushing back and I felt frustrated, angry, sad and missing my daughter more than ever.
Life is about choice, including how we want to feel. I let it be okay that I was choosing to be in pain. I felt let down because something else wasn’t working out as planned. I felt I was trying too hard to make Christmas something it wasn’t, yet uncertain as to what I really wanted. It wasn’t fair to take my anger out on my family, so I was careful when returning home to snap out of my dark mood. My family understands grief. They did not over react to me. Options were discussed and quickly pursued.
Within two hours, a trip was booked to the mountains out west. While we won’t be observing Christmas in the same way (dog sledding is on the agenda), we will be honouring what really matters to us; spending quality time together and reducing all pressure by freeing ourselves from what was. This year I’ll have to get used to not cooking, baking, trimming a tree, holiday shopping and making myself feel something that perhaps I’ll never feel again. The angels worked quickly to help us with our travel and associated arrangements. They knew what’s best for us and were simply waiting for me to figure this out.
If you need to make a change but are afraid to, don’t rush. Things will naturally progress as you feel ready to let go of the old to welcome the new. There is no right or wrong. Only change. Ask the angels for help. Relax into your decision and enjoy the amazing results you create. Mush!
My heart to yours, wishing you joy and peace for the holidays!,
Vonne
